2 year post op for pleomorphic adenoma surgery

Today I had my 2 year follow-up with Dr. Chalian, my ENT down at HUP (the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania). Hard to believe it's been two years since the surgery where he removed the pleomorphic adenoma from my right parotid gland. I am thrilled to report it hasn't grown back and everything is healing just as it should!

I'm also happy to report that I'm able to sleep fine, turn my head fine, and do everything I could before the surgery. I am able to pinch the bottom of my right earlobe and feel the pressure, but there's still just a faint bit of tingling, like an "asleep" feeling. 

Now... A lot of the rest of this is a repeat from my last update... Some things may never change, I suppose. And I'm okay with that.

If I run my fingers down the incision scar, starting from the top of my ear, I don't feel any pain or loss of sensation until I get to the exact location of the parotid gland (where the base of my ear connects to my cheek). From that point down to the end of the incision I can feel tenderness when it's pressed. I feel nauseous when that area is touched, even very gently. My kids like to brush my hair, and if they happen to run their fingers or the brush over that area, it immediately causes me to jump and retract. But the pain goes away as soon as nothing is pressing on it.

I sometimes feel a little sensitivity to cold weather, but I just wrap up in a scarf when I go outside. Not a big deal. And there's still a sensitivity to sour foods and spicy foods - I feel a sharp sting when I chew on the right side while eating those foods. But otherwise I'm able to chew and eat with no problems.

I'll add in that back in May (20 months post op), I had 3 impacted wisdom teeth removed. The oral surgeon didn't want to risk removing the lower right tooth, as the root had clearly wrapped down and around the facial nerve. I had explained the parotid surgery, and he didn't want to take any chances trying to pry the tooth away from the facial nerve, as it had already escaped injury from this surgery. And we all know this one impacted wisdom tooth will be the only would that would cause me pain and discomfort in the future; I pray I don't regret letting it stay.

I'm also happy to report I haven't experienced any of the sweating issues around my cheek or neck from the surgery. Apparently that's a common side effect. The nurse tells me if it's going to happen, it shows up between two and five years post-op. But so far, so good!

Now I'll just report back to the ENT once a year....

*********************

I just looked back over some parts of this blog, and wanted to update on one thing that I seemed awfully depressed about when I was 2 weeks post op. I wasn't able to get great big bear hugs from my children at that time. But I'm HAPPY to say that only lasted a few days before I felt well enough to get hugs again. Great big giant, wrap-your-arms-around-me-and-squeeze type hugs. And now, 2 years post op, there's nothing I can't do with the kids. We wrestle and play around, and nothing bothers me unless something hits that lower section of the incision. And even that's not too bad. So, if you're reading this and you are sad thinking about things you may be missing out on from surgery, stay positive. There is light at the end of the tunnel! I am thrilled with my recovery, and would do this over again in a heartbeat!

17 month update

I've been a real slacker with this blog, but I wanted to update with how things have progressed for me. It's now been just about 17 months since my parotid tumor (pleomorphic adenoma) surgery, and I'm finally in a really good place, both physically and emotionally.

It was hard for a while not being able to jump back into my normal workout routine, but by last spring (about 7 months after the surgery) I was back to my normal runs (3-4 miles a few times a week), and normal weightlifting. I also started a few high intensity workout classes at our local Y and loved them. No problems whatsoever from the parotid gland, and no pain in my neck or face.

One thing I just recently realized is that I'm starting to get the feeling back in my lower right ear. I'm not sure when it started happening, but one day last week my kids were asking me about my scar and my neck, and I touched the bottom of my right ear and realized I could feel my hand. I pinched the ear lobe and could feel it too. I have full feeling around the part of the scar where it connects to my ear, and it's not even a little bit painful.

What does hurt still though is the area where my parotid gland is located - just below my ear, at the base of my jaw. It's only painful to the touch though, so I do everything I can to be sure the kids don't bump it. I also don't wear turtlenecks, as the feeling of something pushing against my neck causes some pain and nauseousness.

The incision area is still quite sensitive to the cold air, so I wear a scarf almost at all times during these chilly winter months. The scarf only bothers me when it's pushed up tight against my neck, so I've learned to wrap it lightly to keep it from causing any pain.

Food sensitivities still exist, but are not nearly as painful as before. Lemonade causes immediate shocking pain. As does anything else sour - sour candies and drinks. I like orange juice, but try to keep it on the left side of my mouth before I swallow it. Weird, but it can be done.

Thankfully I do not experience any of the neck sweating I have heard others have had after the surgery. And thankfully the scar has blended in quite well. After my ear you can't even tell... but down my neck is still red, and is very obvious to me, but most people don't even notice. Or they don't ask. Either way, I'm fine with it. I'll post a picture once my husband gets home and snaps one tonight.

3 months post-op

This poor blog has been so neglected, but I'm happy to report that at 3 months post-op, things are going well. The scar is still very noticeable, but I've grown more comfortable wearing my hair back in a ponytail. I've resumed my normal everyday life, and am back to working out on a regular schedule. I am able to turn my neck both ways pretty well, but it's still a little tight when I stretch it to the left.

My sleeping is getting much better, but it's still uncomfortable, bordering painful, to sleep on my right side. I can sometimes prop my arm under a pillow, then lean the front of my head, back to my ear, on a pillow... Leaving my ear and neck sort of floating. It's certainly not the most comfortable position, but sometimes I just need to get off my left side.

That darned stitch finally got absorbed back into my skin at about 2 months post-op. It definitely drove me nuts, so I'm glad it's not protruding anymore.

As for the rest of my life, I'm back to everything I used to do - working out, riding a bike, lifting 12 pound weights at the gym, and most importantly I am able to enjoy great big bear hugs from my children. My little guy still picks up my hair to see which side of my neck is the "cut" one, and then leans into the other side when he hugs me.

Going forward I hope to update this blog every month or so with new pictures of the healing process. I'll be back to the doctor in February and will have another MRI at that time too.

1 month post-op

It's been four weeks and a day since my parotid tumor (a pleomorphic adenoma) was removed. It sounds like a broken record when I talk about the healing process - still painful to the touch around my face and neck, bottom half of ear is still completely numb, the stitch is still sticking out at the top of the incision, and there's still a lump (about 1 inch by 1/2 inch) where the actual tumor was. See, nothing's really changed.

And yes, I'm still impatient, in case you were wondering. I still expect to wake up one day and find I've bounced back to normal. And when I do wake up and realize my neck still doesn't stretch the way I want it to, yes, I get upset.

It's hard and depressing, yet it is crazy to even feel this after just one month of surgery. Even sillier to admit, but since I'm being honest about the recovery, I feel I owe you the truth. It's definitely hard for me to accept something's changed, and that I have to slow down or just be patient while it heals. While I heal.

But in reality, I have nothing to be upset about - it's not cancer and I'm alive and well, surrounded by a super supportive group of friends and loved ones, and I'm here with my family. And speaking of family, I have two cutie pies waiting for me to read a bedtime story, so I'm going to scoot on upstairs.

3 weeks post-op

I'm 2 days late in writing this 3 week update, but I guess it's better late than never, right? This past week has definitely felt the longest, but I'm glad it's now behind me. And I suppose it can only go up from here.

I'll start off with the good - I have run two days in a row now, just about a mile each day. Today my kids rode their bikes with me, and at times I was able to stay ahead of my little guy, but never once was I able to pass my daughter. That's okay though, I'm happy just knowing I made it without stopping or slowing down.

I've been taking a Tylenol or Advil (or two) throughout the days, and usually right before bed, just to help with some of the pain. It's mostly self-induced though, as I've been pushing myself to go beyond what I did the previous day. The pain is mostly a sore neck from stretching or doing too much lifting (laundry, games with kids, etc), and I've been waking up frequently at night with pains down the side of my face.

Several times a day I sit and stretch my neck - up and down, side to side, then tilted both ways. I can turn pretty good to the left, but it's still tight. And it's definitely painful when I try to turn to the right. Not as tight, since I'm not stretching the muscles that were cut, but I think the pain is what stops me from turning it too much. While it's getting better, and yes, I do see some progress, it's not as much as I'd like to see at this point. You know me and patience.

The incision itself seems to be healing nicely; you can't even notice the part along the front of my ear. However, there's still a lump at the base of my ear, about an inch by a half inch, where the tumor was located. I'm not sure if it's still just swelling from where he removed the tumor and part of the parotid gland, or if it's a sac of salivary fluid that's drained from the opened gland. Or it could very well be a bit of both. It's pretty hard, and incredibly painful to the touch.

My upper neck is still very sore, as is my pretty much the entire right half of my jaw. It's also still swollen, which I can see, but most people say they can't even notice. Either they're just trying to be nice, or I can hide it pretty good when I wear my hair down. Again, those who know me, know I'm a pony tail type of gal, so it's hard to keep it covered. I'll try to remember to take a regular photograph from the front tomorrow, and maybe you can give me your thoughts.

Also, that darn "numbness, but not quite numbness" is still going on with the bottom half of my right ear. I guess maybe a better comparison would be to say it feels like it fell asleep. Quite annoying though, because no matter how much it itches (and it does, for hours on end sometimes), I itch it, yet I can't even feel my fingers scratching or pinching it. Many people say they grow used to this feeling, but it's driving me nuts. Every time I roll over onto a pillow, or turn my head while sitting on the couch, I wonder how one could ever learn to live with this.

Oh, and let's not forget about that stinkin' stitch that's still sticking out from the top of the incision. Speaking of driving me nuts.... it gets caught on the washcloth every time I wash my face. Annoying. Definitely annoying. I'm accepting bets as to when it may ever actually dissolve or fall off.

Aside from all of this, I've got to add a personal note here. Our family and friends have been so generous with meals, helping with the kids, and lots and lots of support, and it really means the world to us to have each of you in our lives. Even our friends across the miles (Melissa!) - I could not get through each day without your positive outlook reminding me that it will get better. Thank you.

Thank you to each and every one of you, for all that you've done. And especially thank you for all of the prayers and good thoughts. We've got the most amazing support system, and are so blessed to have you in our lives.

2 weeks post-op

Wow, I'm at the two week mark post-op mark today. And while I'd like to say "I'm back to normal!", that would be far from true. I am working on understanding and accepting what the "new normal" will be, and having a hard time coping with some things I have lost.

you can barely notice the scar
in the front of my ear

Mainly, sleeping on my right side. Oh how I loved to curl up in the fetal position and snuggle with my pillow. Yes, I can still do that on my left side, but my body likes to switch while asleep, and now I find myself waking up in shooting pain whenever I even begin to lean towards the right.

There will always be nerve damage on the right side of my face and neck, always. And while the swelling and bruising is mainly a thing of the past, the tingling and numbness (although "numb" doesn't really describe the feeling) is still very much there. That is frustrating to me, because even after previous surgeries on my body (left knee), I never experienced nerve damage or shooting pains whenever the area was touched.

Great big, giant, arms-outstretched hugs from my kids - that's another of my hardest losses to accept. I loved when they would wrap their little arms around my neck, and hold tight so I could sweep them off their feet and hug them with all my might. Hugs nowadays have turned into little hugs on the left side of my neck and shoulder. It's not a real hug, in any sense of the word, and it breaks my heart.

Both kids have done great remembering which side is my "good side" and which is the one to avoid. Every now and again Colin will come running at me, stop right in front of my face, and peak over both of my shoulders to make sure he's safe, before giving me a little hug. Oh how I long for those great, big, bear hugs!

and hopefully one day you won't be
able to notice the back part either

As for the incision itself, I spoke with the doctors nurse this morning (who spoke with the doctor prior to calling me), and she recommended I snip off whatever I could from the stitch that's sticking out. The doctor said he definitely cut the ends internally yesterday, but that it may just be very tight from my pulling on the remaining piece of stitch, so I should massage around the area for a while. Gentle massage. Well, I did that for about an hour today, and can still feel the little bit of plastic stitch protruding from the top of the incision.

Apparently these stitches dissolve over time, but just how much "time" it takes is beyond me. Could be days, weeks, months or even years. Everyone's body is different. And seeing how well my body adjusted to the medicines, I'm not holding out any positive hope that it can process and destroy this stitch. Not to mention it feels like I gave myself an awful face lift around my ear. I pulled that stitch way too tight last night with the tweezers, and all the massaging in the world this morning didn't manage to loosen it up one bit.

I also found out about the bruised area next to my right eye (see picture at the top). All this time I had been thinking something must have fallen on my face during the surgery, but it turns out he had to make a small incision there for the nerve monitor. It looks like it's all healing fine, but there's still a brownish bruise near my eye, and it's hard for me to apply eye make-up on that eye.

I'm scheduled to go back in four months for another MRI and visit with the doctor. Then four months after that, and four months after that. At that point, if the tumor has not reappeared, I'll be seen on a yearly basis. He feels the chance of recurrence is less than 20%. Unfortunately he was not able to create a positive margin of normal gland all the way around the tumor, as some of it was pressed up against the nerve. Therefor, there's a risk the tumor may have 'feelers' still out there, and could eventually come back to life.

Final diagnosis on the biopsy, which includes the right superficial parotid gland, with inferior deep lobe tumor (measuring 2.6cm by 3.2cm by 1.3cm):

• Pleomorphic adenoma (benign mixed tumor)
• 1.5cm abutting the posterior resection margin, <0.1cm from the superior resection margin, abutting the medial resection margin, and abutting the anterior resection margin.
• Six lymph nodes, no tumor seen.
• The specimen reveals a white-tan, gelatinous, well-circumscribed nodule at the medial aspect of the specimen measuring 1.5cm by 1.0cm by 0.7cm.

closer view of the back - I think it's cut on angles to blend in with the ridges in my skin

All in all, I'm free to do as I wish, except swim for a few weeks. The incision must completely heal before I can go in a pool, or under water, again. And while I've been given the green-light to drive, I have to limit myself. I'm unable to rotate my neck, or make any sudden movements, so I'm going to abstain from driving for a bit longer. I will first venture out on my own somewhere local, but only when I'm 100% comfortable will I bring the kids in the car with me.

As for getting back to the gym... well, as much as I'd love it, I've got to let the incision heal some more. I cannot lift a laundry basket full of laundry, so until that happens I won't be lifting any weights. And since a 6 step jog from the car to the front door yesterday put me in pain, there will be no major cardio workouts just yet.

Slow and steady... slow and steady...

10 days post-op

Finally feeling a bit more like my old self again at this 10 day mark. Yesterday the pain was about a 1, with some random streaks up to about a 3 when I'd move a certain way. I took 1 extra-strength Tylenol when I woke up, along with my bp medicine (Florinef), and 1 at dinner, along with the bp meds again. That's it. Just two pain pills to get through the entire day/night. This morning I haven't taken anything for pain. And my plan is to get through the entire day with nothing, but will most likely take one before bed. And if that works, tomorrow I may be off the pain meds entirely. Seems like I may be getting somewhere....

On Wednesday I removed one of the steri-strips - the horizontal one that ran under my ear. Although it was already beginning to come off on one end, it was pretty snug the rest of the way, so I had to pull it off. Not a good thing - for the incision or the pain involved. And I'm not even sure why I did that, other than I thought it would have come off easier. After that shooting pain, I decided to keep the others on until (1) they fall off on their own, or (2) I go back to the doctor. I've got a follow-up appointment scheduled for this coming Monday, and will have the stitches removed at that time too.

Each day I feel stronger and stronger, and yesterday I managed to walk around a few blocks in our neighborhood with my daughter. It felt great to get outside and enjoy the fresh fall air, but I definitely felt sore when we returned home. However, it wasn't sore in the sense of the surgery, just sore in the sense that I have barely stepped out of the house in the past 10 days. My body ached, and my back could seriously use an adjustment after all this side sleeping/laying.

Last evening I kicked a ball back and forth with my son for about 20 minutes, and again, it felt great to be outside and playing with my kids again. I couldn't move too fast, but I was able to keep up with him. And by the time we went to bed, I was surprised my body wasn't crippled.

While I am unable to fill the coffeemaker with water, I can now pour my own cup of coffee. I may not be able to lift a pot full of water to the stove, but I can at least pull an empty pot from the cabinets and set it in the sink for Tim to fill. And I cannot lift the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, but I can empty the dryer and fold the clean laundry. Glad I've got my husband around to help with all of these things - teamwork is a great thing. I'm also very thankful for the quick healing (if you could call this quick), because I miss my old life tremendously.

The problem that I am certain to have for months, if not years, is all the nerve damage in and around the incision. It will most likely forever tingle; not quite numb, but not quite normal. But maybe someday I'll get used to it. And hopefully soon it will heal enough so I can get back to the gym and back into my old routine. Or perhaps it will be time to start a new routine...

Slow and steady wins the race. Or so my brother-in-law reminds me.

1 week post-op

Today marks one week since the tumor was removed, and I am so thankful this week is now behind me. To say it was tough would be an understatement. It was hell for me, and I'm sure those around me felt the same as I laid around and did absolutely nothing but grouch and grumble in pain.

I posted a 1 week photo here. You can see the bruising down my neck still.


Pain Management:

• I'm currently taking 1 extra strength Tylenol every 4-5 hours during the day, and 2 at night before I go to sleep. 
• I also take 1 4mg Zofran every 8 hours to help with the nausea I'm still experiencing.
• And I am back on my blood pressure medicine, so I take 0.1mg Florinef 2x/day. Once this kicks back in, I'm hoping the nausea and dizziness goes away. I'm thinking once the heavier drugs were out of my system, my super low blood pressure (90/60) was keeping this nauseous feeling around.

 Pain:

• The lower part of my right ear is still numb, and it tingles in pain if I roll onto it or lean into it.
• My neck is still tight, bruised, and sadly I look like a beaten housewife.
• Most of the right side of my face hurts to the touch, and there's a spot near my right eyebrow that sends shooting pain when touched. I notice this mostly when I'm washing my face, or standing in the shower - the water falling on it really causes me to wince.
• The itching around the incision isn't as bad as it was the other day. However, the steri-strips are still intact, and are starting to curl. When I gently pulled on one, it hurt like a you-know-what, so on they remain, disgusting as all get out.
• My jaw still hurts, and the pain radiates across my entire jaw now, but mostly when I am resting on my side. I've been trying to sleep on my back more, but the snoring will likely drive Tim to the couch.
• I started using my Sonicare toothbrush two nights ago, as I was too lazy to go back downstairs to get the regular one. The pain is ever-so-light, so I bear with it.
• I will surely need to visit the chiropractor in a few weeks, as all this side-laying has done a number on my back.

Life:

• I slept in my own bed last night, and it felt great.
• I'm eating semi-soft foods now, and I've never craved buffalo chicken dip so badly. My diet consists of mainly soft pasta, oatmeal, breakfast bars, goldfish and yogurt. But unfortunately that doesn't cut it for the rest of my family, so they've had to fend for themselves now that all the generous food offers have been gobbled up.
• I am unable to turn my neck to the right very much, but am able to twist a little more to the left (almost to my shoulder). And I can ever-so-slightly nod my head up and down. The muscles are all still tight, but I can feel them stretching more each day.

Little by little... step by step... I will get back to my old self!

I'm coming home, coming home...

I've been given the green light, and the IV was just pulled. Time to go home and get some rest while the kids are in school.

Thank you for all the emails, comments, and FB messages, your kind words of encouragement mean the world to me.

Oh what a night

Last night sucked. Like really really sucked. I was woken every two hours for blood pressure and temps, but then I'd lay awake with nausea and pain. They had given me Zofran intravenously, but it didn't help. By 2am they gave me some other stronger meds for sickness. And morphine dripped most of the night, but that may have been making me worse. By 4am I cut out the drugs. 7am I took a Tylenol with codeine, and will take the 2nd one in a few minutes, once I make sure this stays down.

Another awful thing was having to use a bed pan...gross. And my poor husband stood by my side the entire time. It overflowed onto the bed, which resulted in needing all the sheets changed, my lovely gown changed, etc. And that, my friends, is what started the vomiting. After being bumped and jostled for those few minutes, my body couldn't calm down. I just kept throwing up liquids. within a few hours, everything seemed to settle, but I still feel slightly dizzy.

On a positive note, I should be able to come home later this afternoon. They want to make sure I can eat and keep things down, and be able to move around safely by myself. Just ate some vanilla pudding and it seemed to go down okay. I tried a saltine cracker, but it hurts to chew.

One thing that surprises me is the amount of male nurses here. Both of my main nurses are male, and while very nice and helpful, it makes for an uncomfortable potty situation. Speaking of which, it's amazing how much fluid is coming through this IV bc I have to use the restroom every 2 hours. And with my low blood pressure issues, I have to start sitting up about 15 minutes before I can get out of bed.

Side note- My room overlooks the Football stadium (UofPenn??), and I can see the Philly skyline through some morning fog.

Ps- thank you all for the positive comments, thoughts and prayers. While I don't have the strength to reply to all of them personally right now, know that your words bring a smile to my face. And for Marcus- that smiling picture was taken for you.., thank you for your optimism :)

**edited by Tim - It is a pretty cool view:

:)

One of Kym's big fears was that a nerve would get clipped and she wouldn't be able to smile anymore.

Still looks perfect to me. This was taken as her nausea was about to kick into full gear. She's been sick from the anesthesia for most of the night. They gave her some meds and she was passing out when I left to come home with the kids.  Hopefully she sleeps tonight.

Thanks to all for the well wishes.

Out of surgery

Kym is out of surgery after 3 hours. I talked to the dr. on the phone. He got pulled into something but wanted me to know she was doing well. No drain needed. He will come down in a little while to "draw me some pictures". But he said it all went perfectly. A waiting room nurse (dr.?) who goes between operating rooms and patient families said she is awake and talking... A bit sore, but in his words you can barely tell she had surgery.

In the OR

If we're using this like twitter today I guess I'll first say I'm writing this while on the toilet. (just kidding). Kym got taken into the OR at 11:15 after a painful 15 minutes of the anestegologist trying to find a vein for her IV. Kym's parents and my parents are here with me in the waiting room. Kym was nervous, but in fairly good spirits. She took my iPod touch and convinced the doctor to take a picture of the tumor. I'm sure you're all dying to see that...

It's go time

Made it in

For those checking for updates, I'll use this like Twitter for today.... We made it to HUP about 10 minutes ago. Tim went to get breakfast (lucky man), while I sit in Admissions, waiting to be called. For the record, I AM STARVING.

Today's the day

Time to hit the road and get through morning rush hour on 76. Tim will provide an update later as he hears from the doctor. Keep those prayers coming please, but know that "every little thing gonna be all right"!

Bags are packed, but this ain't no vacation

An automated call came through about an hour ago, with information on my arrival time, what to bring, and where to go tomorrow morning. An automated call. Seriously? I'm about to have my face and neck sliced open, my face peeled back to reveal most of my cheek, chin and neck, and they can't have an actual person call me to provide this information in a more comforting sort of way?

But since that's the way they handle things, I sat and listened to the several minutes of automated  information. "Arrive at 8:45am, wear comfortable and loose clothing, pack an overnight bag, do not bring anything valuable, do not eat or drink after midnight", etc, etc. This reminds me - I do not have a bag packed. Packing an overnight bag makes me think of back when I was about to deliver a baby. However, I'm fairly certain it was easier to recover from delivering a 7 pound baby (with no drugs, mind you), than it will be to recover from removing a probably 1 oz tumor. Crazy.

I was curious what time the actual surgery would begin, so I had to hang up and call back to the main hospital. It's set for 10:15am, but of course, anything can happen to delay it. And the surgery will take 3-4 hours, with recovery another hour or more, so stay tuned for an update mid-late afternoon tomorrow.

Until then, I'll be up until 11:59pm stuffing my face! Not really. But doesn't that sound like fun?

As a side note - the new steroid medication (to help control the black-outs) I've been on for just one week, has caused me to gain five pounds already. I kid you not. Five freaking pounds in one week. So, perhaps this whole surgery couldn't have come at a better time... I'll be on a liquid diet for a few days, so maybe I can drop this extra baggage. Although, it's probably better I retain this water weight because I need to increase my blood volume. And today I completed my first workout in over two years without experiencing a black-out spell, so apparently this medicine (and the extra weight) is working. Yay me!

And another side note, I keep singing Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" out loud everywhere I go. People must think I'm crazy, but I've got to keep reminding myself "every little thing gonna be all right".

What scares me the most

Besides telling the kids (which is going to be Tim's job tomorrow night), what scares me the most is something I hadn't even thought about. For the past two years, I've put off thoughts of surgery because I was terrified of the scars on my face and neck. Terrified. Like as if I was a magazine model and my life and career depended on my good looks. But hello, it's me we're talking about. I've always got bruises and bumps all over my body, chew the hell out of my nails, and wear sweats like it's my uniform. I'm not sure why I worried about a 4-6 inch scar on my face.

So while I focused all my anxiety on this superficial scar, I never once thought about all the real risks involved. And no, I'm not talking death here. I'm talking the very real risks, the almost certain complications, and the "it happens to everyone, but it's not enough to bother them" things. At my pre-op appointment my surgeon told me that every single patient loses feeling in their ear and side of their neck. Every.Single.One. They experience "complete numbness" is what I was told, because there is one nerve that must be cut. Which completely freaks me out, because I can't stand when my foot falls asleep, so I can't imagine what this will feel like 24/7 on my head and neck. Some people say it feels like a lead weight hanging from your ear. Others say there is internal itching, but all the scratching in the world won't make it go away. And that's just what happens to everyone.

Many people, if not all, experience facial paralysis, either temporary or permanent. But you do not know which you'll have until months or years later when either you regain movement, or you do not. This, my friends, is my biggest fear. What if the right side of my face no longer holds in place like my left? What if I can never blink my eye again? Wink at my husband? Chew my food? Smile? All these little movements are controlled by your facial nerve. The exact nerve that this damn tumor is wrapped around, as it's made the deep lobe of my parotid gland its home.

The surgeon takes every precaution to identify and preserve each of the nerves, however that does not guarantee that they won't be damaged as he cuts away the tumor. And even if a nerve gets gently moved or clipped, it may lose its ability to function for months or years. Or worse, permanently.

And yes, I'm a total pessimist, so I fear the worst. But that just means I'll be pleasantly surprised to come out grinning from ear to ear when I'm released from the hospital Wednesday, right? In all seriousness, I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that I'll look like a freak to my children; that I won't be attractive to my husband; that I'll be the one everyone looks at out of the corner of their eye and thinks "what happened to her?". I get that these fears are silly to most people, but in my mind they are so very real.

Oh, and one other crappy outcome that happens to everyone...... it will always sound like I'm listening through a tunnel in my right ear. Great, just great. But again, "this doesn't seem to bother the people who've been through this procedure", is what my doctor pointed out.

Like my dear friend Becky always says, "what's the point in worrying when you can't do anything about it" (or something like that). That's right, at this point it's out of my hands, and all we can do is pray. The surgery is scheduled for Tuesday (they will call with the time tomorrow night), and they tell me I will only spend one night in the hospital, and can come home Wednesday morning. Let's just pray I can be one positive example of the surgery, and can have a happy story to share of my recovery.